I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
