So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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