I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
