She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
zippers are such a cool invention
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
