is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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