woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
