glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize