"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
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