I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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