I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
