I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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