Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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