Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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