My liver just broke up with me...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
