my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
