if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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