i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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