I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize