He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
