I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
