i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
