i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
