You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
