My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize