What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
