and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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