Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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