yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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