She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
