It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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