Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
