It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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