She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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