I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
