i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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