What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
