For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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