I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
