I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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