proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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