She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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