I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
