so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
