i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
