My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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