I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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