Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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