this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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