i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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