my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
