I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
