I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
