Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize