i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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