Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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