Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
