Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
