Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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