at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
