dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
