Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
