I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
