think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
