All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
